It’s easy to bemoan your roots. To be angry with the trauma passed down that hinders you in certain ways, but I’m learning how to be happy with who I am in this moment. I’m learning to not rush my process and where I’m heading, but to wake with wonder each morning open to the possibility of what may come while still being active in my life. My entire life, I’ve struggled with escapism. I’d gotten comfortable with being separated from myself.
On October 5th, I did reiki healing for the first time. The biggest physical sensation I felt was the warmth I feel in my hands well I feel grounded. I realized how disconnected I’d been feeling and how loving myself deeper and more authentically allows me to love others more deeply and authentically.
On October 21st, I found out I have high blood pressure and I have to start taking medication. Though I have a genetic disposition, I began to evaluate how I engage with the world.
Until recently, I was an aspiring perfectionist. The thing about perfectionism, is it tells the lie that if you adhere to it, you’ll get everything you desire. That’s not ever what happens. Life is a jealous teacher and some lessons are challenging and/or gut wrenching. "Being perfect" doesn't exempt from that. Experience has shown me that even if I “do everything right”, there are things out of my control. I’m accepting what I can control and releasing what I can’t.
The last week of October, my grandmother, mother and I went to Key West to visit my grandfather’s gravesite on what would have been his 85th birthday. Though challenging, we needed it as individuals and as a family unit. The full range of human emotions were felt.
Every single meal was on the water that he loved being in. My grandfather was an impeccable swimmer all the way into his early seventies. My mom reminded me of his stories about his leaning into hurricane winds at the southernmost point. Of just pulling on his short pants and playing outside from sun up to sun down. A cousin of mine retold the story about how my great grandmother would bathe him and his brothers in a tub in the front yard after they played all day to keep them from dirtying her house. I visited the site where my grandfather, his parents, his grandparents and great grandfather is laid. Leaning against that white hot material with tears in my eyes to wish him what would have been his 85th trip around the sun. I noticed that the first time I’d ever driven all the way down was to say goodbye.
That trip was the first time in a while, that I felt like I knew who I was. I wasn’t focused on my attributes or my flaws, but just on me and the roots from which I came. I returned feeling like my feet were firmly planted and I had come home to myself.